Today I feel like my body has failed me. And I say today because I’m hoping I won’t feel the same tomorrow.
For the last 5 weeks I’ve had Gestational Diabetes and I’ve been dieting, reducing carbs, not having cakes, sweets, chocolate. I’ve been testing my blood sugar levels by pricking my finger 4 times a day. That’s a total of 140 times and submitting all readings to the Hospital via an app.
I’ve been out for lunch and ate salad, refused take aways, I’ve been to Christmas Fairs and got out my silver foil with 3 wholemeal crackers, ham and cheese while my friends tuck into pie, mash and cake. I’ve done everything in my power to create a healthy home for my growing baby. I’ve done my absolute best. I’ve come home from work shaking and crying because I’m starving and I didn’t take enough snacks and can’t have anything from the vending machine.
I’ve messed up minimal times when I dared to have gravy and Swede mash. When I was starving and ate a flapjack or stole two biscuits from the kitchen cupboards. I’ve done my best.
And yet my baby is still getting too much glucose and IS growing too big.
So now I’m left feeling as though I’ve failed as a Mother. I’ve failed as a diet controlled gestational diabetic women. I’ve failed in my duties.
But you see, I haven’t failed. My body has. My readings after food have been fine. It’s my body, it’s stress, it’s lack of sleep, it’s probably having a toddler, a job, worrying about what to eat and when. It’s life. Can I do anything about this? NO!
And that’s the very moment from today when the Consultant said to me, you need Metformin which is a medicine you take twice a day to improve your glucose levels. That’s when the mic dropped!
I cried.
Why? Well because I tried my best and it wasn’t enough. I could have refused the medication but what could happen is my baby could grow too large to birth and I would need a c-section. Why would I risk the baby’s health and my health? So I accepted the drugs.
Now isn’t the time to say, well at least you’re getting looked after. At least the babies ok. At least you can have the baby early. It’s only medication. It’s only…
This isn’t helpful when I’m feeling so vulnerable. I don’t need anyone to fix me. Or fix the problem. I just need support.
I need to put today in the past. I’m a practical person, I need to think ahead. I need a plan.
My plan is to take more care of myself. And dare I say it, think about myself and my pregnancy more.
I’ve done a lot to prepare for the upcoming birth already. It’s not healthy to stay down and feeling low, I have a down day or week but boy do I pick myself up again. I try not to moan without a solution.
I’ve already explored all of my options to ensure my inevitable induction will be a positive one. I’ve had an after birth chat about Daisys birth 2.5 years ago. I now have a clear understanding of the induction process and birth. I know my rights. I feel comfortable that the changes my Hospital have made since my first baby will benefit me greatly. I feel empowered with knowledge.
I know I’ve done my best. I know I will continue to do my best. I will forgive my body and love myself in a few days. I will, bluntly, get over it. Just don’t tell me to get over it!! This strong willed girl over here has to figure this out on her own, I know where my toddler gets it from!
From the few hours it’s taken me to vomit all of my inner emotions onto paper I already feel better. My body will be supported, this baby will be healthy and I will be happy.
Pregnancy Diary – 31 weeks pregnant.